Mission Impossible
by Kuroshiki
Summary: Sure, the mission seemed simple enough: find the man and dispose of him. But when a bright pink kimono and the Comedian Trio get involved... well, let's just say that things could have been worse. A lot worse.
1. Chapter 1

Hey people!

Yes! I have finally posted something once again... It is quite amazing. This is dedicated to **one step **(go check out her fanfics) because thanks to her, you guys now have a story to read! Please R&R. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: In no way do I own Peacemaker... that should be quite obvious, I think.

* * *

**Mission Impossible**

**Chapter 1: In Which all is Lost**

"The teahouse. I need to go to the teahouse."

Okita Souji, the infamous captain of the Shinsengumi, stood alone and confused like a misplaced statue in the middle of Shimabara rush-hour traffic. The hideous pink kimono he wore did little to ease his obvious discomfort and instead, decided to expose parts of his skin that was considered thoroughly improper for a lady and even more so for a man like himself.

Already, several of the regular customers were looking at him with an utterly indecent gleam in their beady little eyes.

"The teahouse!" he shouted to no one in particular. "Where is the teahouse?! The teahouse!!"

Alarmed, the small crowd of men looked around them, eyeing the dozens of "teahouses" surrounding them. Backing away from the seemingly insane stranger, they left one by one in search of more rational women to spend their night with.

With a smile of success, Souji continued to stand in the middle of the street, shouting the occasional "teahouse" whenever any drunkard got too close for comfort.

And thus, an hour passed.

Not too far away, a drunk ronin stumbled down the crowded streets of Shimabara, his roaring bouts of laughter and an occasional off-key tune blaring throughout the entire district.

It was nothing unusual, though, considering a rumor once stated that a sumo wrestler had once laid on his bare stomach and rolled like a huge boulder of fat down the road and slammed right through the front door of a brothel, killing the manager that had the unfortunate luck of standing right in the sumo's path. As it had turned out, the dead manager was a notorious slave trader in hiding, causing the sumo to be hailed as a hero for a time (though his motive for rolling down Shimabara is currently unknown).

However, the sumo wrestler's fame was short-lived, for word had spread again throughout the district that he had died of diabetes a month ago.

Whether or not the tale of the rolling sumo was actually true remains to be a hot topic of debate for drunk customers, though there is a sizable hole in one of the brothels down one of the more obscure streets.

As fate would have it, the ronin (who was now singing and dancing) tripped over his left foot and landed dramatically on top a pile of bright pink.

Face to face to an embarrassed Souji, the man gave a lopsided smile and slurred, "Hello there, pretty lady."

_Smack!!_

With a glare, Souji stood and walked away, leaving the red-faced ronin half buried in the ground.

* * *

"Hey, Shinpachi!"

Sanosuke swung his big burly arm around the scrawny shoulders of his friend. "You are so lucky that the Demon Vice Commander was in a good mood today."

"Tch, that's for sure," Shinpachi replied, wrinkling his nose.

"Oi, oi, we're in Shimabara now!" cried Heisuke. "Liven up a little, eh?"

With a wild grin on their faces, the Comedian Trio raced to the nearest bar and started their usual drinking competition where the loser paid for all the sake.

After ten gallons of sake were emptied, Shinpachi groaned his defeat and banged his head on the table.

"S-Sanosuke you ch-cheater… ugh." Bending over a bowl, Shinpachi began to throw up the leftovers of his dinner and the gallon of sake he managed to swallow. Meanwhile, Heisuke was too delirious to know where his own bowl was, so he ended up puking on the table before him.

"Guys, that's just nasty," said Sanosuke cheerfully, taking another swig of sake. "How're you going to pay for all this if you faint on me?" Digging out Shinpachi's wallet, he slipped out two bills and slapped it onto the table. "There. Problem's fixed. Let's go hit the brothels!"

Smiling broadly, he swung Shinpachi's limp body over his shoulder and tucked Heisuke under his armpit and marched out of the bar.

Almost ten minutes later, the Comedian Trio managed to start walking down the street to their usual place further down the road despite their severe drunk-ness (though Heisuke almost tripped twice and Shinpachi successfully once).

"Yuuko, my sweet little sparrow," sang Sanosuke. "I have come for you once agaaaaiin!!! Laa laa loo, my sparrow, my sweet, sweet sparrow!"

"Oh shut up," moaned Heisuke. "Yuuko-san won't want to be with you after what happened last time."

"Hm?" Shinpachi chirped. "What happened last time?"

"Eh? He didn't tell you?"

"Nothing happened, Shinpachi. Nothing at all. Not one little itty bitty thing—"

"Ha! You call that nothing, Sano? You asked her to—"

"Don't listen to him, Shinpachi!"

"This big oaf here asked Yuuko-san to marry him!"

"Eh?!" Shinpachi shrieked. "You asked her to marry you? I thought you—"

"That's why I'm telling you to ignore him! I didn't ask her—"

"Oh yes you did! And you know what, Shinpachi? Sano asked Midori-san to marry him the week before that!"

"Sano! I thought you asked Saiko-san to marry you!"

"Yes, dear Shinpachi," said Heisuke, heaving a dramatic sigh. "That was three weeks ago."

Sanosuke pouted. "But they were all so beautiful… Like angels."

"Shinpachi, did you ever count exactly how many women Sano proposed to?"

"Eh… no?"

"Well, my friend, in the past year, my count says… twenty-seven."

"Twenty-seven?!" cried Shinpachi. "I didn't know there were twenty seven-angels on this dear earth!"

"But there are!" Sanosuke roared. "Twenty-seven beautiful angels!"

"You guys…"

"You must introduce me to them, Sano!"

"Yes, yes, I shall!"

"…Ahem…"

"Yes, my poor angel-deprived Heisuke! Speak, and we shall listen!"

"…How nice of you, Sano, but I must point out an error. As of now, there are twenty-eight beautiful angels on this dear earth!"

"Where is the twenty-eight?" asked Shinpachi.

"Over there!" he cried, pointing to an elegant figure clad in bright pink further down the street. "Come, my friends! We will on towards the twenty-eighth angel!"

With this said, the Comedian Trio stumbled on towards the unsuspecting Okita Souji.

* * *

Souji sighed. His day had really started out wonderfully. He had fed Saizou and his brothers and sisters in the morning and even sparred with Tetsu before lunch. But then things started to take a turn for the worst.

First, Hijikata had assigned him this mission (for Susumu was unavailable for some reason or another) to track a certain slave trader who was supposedly smuggling in slaves and selling them to the Choshu.

Sure, the mission seemed simple enough: find the man and dispose of him. But then he realized that to reach him, he had to go undercover as a whore.

Okita Souji was a man. An honorable man, at that. In fact, he may have been too honorable for his own good, because as an honorable man, it was expected of him to have the utmost loyalty to the Shinsengumi and to accept anything and everything dealt to him by his superiors. Even a blindingly bright pink kimono.

Souji had swallowed his pride and ego and everything else that came with it and wore the hideous thing. Actually, now that he thought about it, it really did show off his slim legs…

But that was beside the point. Men do not show off their legs (no matter how slim or beautiful) in Shimabara or anywhere else. At least, that was what he used to think. Now, however, what he thought didn't really matter anymore, for here he was, showing off his legs to the swarm of perverted old men in the middle of Shimabara.

"Hey there, my twenty-eighth angel!"

Oh, great. Now he has a swarm of insane, perverted men at his tail. Just keep on walking…

"Heisuke, is our twenty-eighth angel deaf? The poor thing!"

…That sounded like…

"Shinpachi? What are you guys doing here?!"

"She knows your name!" screamed Sanosuke. "Oh twenty-eighth angel!"

"Of course I know your name, Sanosuke!" exclaimed Souji, confused.

"Oh, yes, my beautiful angel! Of course!"

"Sanosuke, what are you talking about? Heisuke, what's going on? Shinpachi?" Then it hit him. He was dressed in a bright pink… "Oh dear…"

"Souji? Is that… you?" questioned Heisuke, stunned.

"Souji?!" cried Shinpachi. "What're you doing here?!"

"I, uh…"

"What… how… Souji! You… pink… Shimabara…" Sanosuke stuttered at a loss of words.

"Souji!" sobbed Shinpachi, grabbing on to his pink kimono. "Don't worry, we've come to take you home! Come with us and your sanity will soon be restored!"

"I'm not insane just yet, Shinpachi." Souji smiled. "In fact, I'm here on a mission!"

"A… mission?"

"Yup!"

"What kind of… mission?"

"To find a smelly old slave trader and kill him, of course!"

The Comedian Trio looked at each other and at Souji and back again.

"Shinpachi, Sano," shouted Heisuke suddenly. "We shall help our dear friend Souji with all our might so that he may complete his mission successfully and can come home with his sanity still fully intact!!"

"You are right, Heisuke!" said Shinpachi. "As the Comedian Trio, we must assist our fellow captain during his time of need!"

"Yosh!"

After the three friends shook hands in agreement, Souji started to get the feeling that things were just beginning to get worse.

* * *

Ta-daa! And there, my friends, is chapter 1 of my insanely insane fanfic! 

For the sake of my happiness, please R&R! Thank you!

Kuroshiki

2/14/08


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Peacemaker Kurogane. It's as simple as that.**

Hello, fellow earthings! Please know that I'm terribly sorry for the... 3 month delay. Yes, I'm still alive and kicking. So, for those of you waiting for chapter two, enjoy!

Here's a shoutout to my dear reviews: Thank you very much!! xD

* * *

**Mission Impossible**

**Chapter 2: The Proposal, the Refusal, and Everything in Between**

"So… is this it?"

The four stood in front of a shabby-looking building, its front door partially falling off. None of them could ever imagine that anybody would willingly pay to live in such a... unsanitary hole.

"…No, it's not." Souji replied. He cast a nervous glance at the dead rat on the ground. "This is just the cheapest inn Hijikata could find for me until the mission's over."

"The man's kind of stingy, eh?" Shinpachi snorted as he barely dodged a falling piece of wood.

"Well, I can't deny that," replied Souji simply, making his way to the front of the inn.

Knocking gently on the frail door, they were greeted by a smelly old woman.

"Yes?" she croaked, much like a frog, "How may I help you… four?"

"We're looking for a room," said Souji smiling. He was pretty sure that it was quite obvious...

"Just one, eh?"

"Well… yes, just one."

Flashing them a dirty smile, the woman led them upstairs.

"This is the only one we have open," she stated. Pulling back the screen door, she revealed what appeared to be an averaged sized closet. "Have fun." With another ghostly smile, the woman walked back down the stairs and left.

"'Have fun?'" wondered Shinpachi aloud. "What does she mean by… oh."

As night settled in, the four squeezed into the tiny room and slept (despite the roaring snores and an occasional fart).

When the sun rose once again, four woke with cramps all over and two with hangovers.

"Gah!" cried Heisuke. "The light, the blinding light!"

"Shut up, Heisuke, you're making my brain hurt." Shinpachi groaned. "Ow my leg, my leg! Get off, Sano!"

"Sorry, Shinpachi—"

"That's my arm, Sanosuke."

"Oops, sorry Souji—"

"Hey! My foot!"

"Sorry, Heisuke…"

Eventually, with all body parts attached, the four left the grubby inn and the smelly old woman in search of the man that was the reason of all their pain and suffering: the smelly old slave trader.

After several hours of walking up and down the streets of Shimabara, the four decided to stop at a bar to rest.

"Gah…" Shinpachi groaned, slumping over the table. "I swear we walked by this bar at least five times by now."

"Watch out, Shinpachi," warned Sanosuke. "You don't want to know who barfed all over that table yesterday."

Shinpachi sat up. "…Who?"

"Heisuke."

"Aw man, that's just gross," said Shinpachi, wrinkling his nose. "No wonder this place looks so familiar."

"Hey," started Heisuke, "at least I—"

"Helloooooo my pretty lady!" a gruff voice exclaimed cheerfully. Walking up to their table, a stranger continued talking, oblivious to their blank stares. "I know we didn't get off on the right foot yesterday," he said sheepishly, "but I couldn't stop thinking about you last night. You were so… pretty. Like an angel. So you see, I—"

"Excuse me," Shinpachi snapped. "Do we know you?"

"I… I think so…"

"Oh!" gasped Souji suddenly. "I remember now!"

"Souji, you know this guy?" asked Shinpachi incredulously.

"Yeah. I slapped him yesterday."

"What?!"

"Yup," Souji chirped happily.

"Wow," gasped Sanosuke, taking a closer look at the ronin's rugged features. "This guy is amazing! He pissed off Souji and is still able to walk!"

"You've got a point there, Sano," Heisuke nodded, trying to hold in his laughter, "Maybe it's because he kind of looks like Hijikata."

"Ahem…" Souji coughed.

"…Not that it means anything," Heisuke continued, watchful of Souji's stare.

"Anyways," said Shinpachi, eyeing the ronin suspiciously, "What do you want?"

"M-Me? Ah, well, to put it bluntly…" the ronin blushed and stared deeply into Souji's eyes. "Will you marry me, angel?"

"Nope." stated Souji flatly without hesitation.

As the four watched the dejected man slump away, Souji's ego battled against his honor as a Shinsengumi captain (in which ego died a pitiful death) and decided that, despite his already mortally wounded pride, he would need the ronin's knowledge of Shimabara in order to ensure his mission's success.

"But Ronin-san," he called out, successfully luring the desperate man right to him, "I would really, _really_ appreciate it if you would be so kind as to help me out a little."

Crossing his legs, Souji gave the ronin what he hoped to be a seductive grin and purred softly, "You see, I'm new here, and I need to know the directions to a certain teahouse, the one with a giant hole as its front door. Do you know of it?"

"Do I know of it? Of course I do! I work there!"

Souji almost gagged, "You… work there?"

"Yes ma'am, I'm the cook!" he winked, smiling proudly.

"…Oh… yes, of course. Well then, Ronin-san—"

"Please, call me Koko."

Souji blinked, "Uhh…Right. Koko-san, would you mind taking us there?"

"No problem! Anything for you, my angel! Follow me!" Thus, the ronin joyously skipped out of the bar, singing.

"Great!" exclaimed Souji happily, "Let's go—"

Shinpachi groaned, "H-Heisuke, are you done puking yet?"

"N-no, not yet. Y-you?"

Shinpachi merely barfed in reply.

"…That's great, Shinpachi," said Heisuke weakly. "What about you, Sano?"

"I-I think he's fainted a long while ago, Heisuke…"

"Oh… oh yeah."

* * *

"That was unnecessary, you guys," pouted Souji as the four trudged down a dirty, secluded alley behind the ronin (who, by the way, was still singing).

The Comedian Trio merely shuddered, traumatized for life at the image of a "seductive Souji."

"If Hijikata ever hears about this," Heisuke muttered softly to Shinpachi and Sanosuke, "He's going go kill us, every single one of us."

"Except for Souji, of course," Sanosuke grumbled.

Shinpachi grunted in agreement.

"Cheer up, my funny fellows!" cried the ronin, swinging his arms around Heisuke's shoulders. "With a beautiful lady for company, why wear the grim faces?"

Raising an eyebrow, Heisuke slowly plucked the man's arm off his shoulders. "Guys, should we enlighten our friendly ronin here about Souji's—"

"There will be no need for that," Souji interrupted happily. "Come, Koko-san, let's go!"

With that, Souji and Koko walked down the grimy street, chatting cheerfully to each other as if they were old friends.

"You know," said Sanosuke suddenly, "They are truly amazing."

"Enlighten me," Heisuke replied wryly.

"Well," he thought, scratching his head, "If Koko can still walk after pissing off Souji, then that must mean he can still breathe if he pisses off Hijikata, right?"

"…True."

"And Souji's amazing because—"

"Sano, I don't think I need you to tell me why Souji's amazing—"

"—because he's an even better cross-dresser than Susumu!"

"…Well, now that I think about it, that's true, too."

Shinpachi yawned. "Hey, Koko," he called out. "How much farther is it 'till we get—"

"We're here!" Souji called back.

Walking up to them, the Comedian Trio took one glance at the brothel and gaped like a trio of fish at the sumo-sized hole in the wall.

Shinpachi twitched. "So… is _this_ it?"

* * *

Comments, questions? Please drop a review before you leave! Now, I'm off to write chapter 3 of my insanely insane ficcy.

Bye bye.

Kuroshiki

5/21/07


	3. Chapter 3

**HELLO, ALL!** I apologize for the greaaat delay of about... 10 months. You may proceed throwing your rotten tomatoes, but for now, I hope you enjoy this new chapter.

SORRIES!

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own PMK.**

* * *

Mission Impossible

**Chapter 3: The Comedian Trio, the Demon, and the Relevation**

It was eerily quiet in the teahouse, Souji mused, playing with the stiff collar of his pink kimono. He supposed the girls did not start taking customers until after dinner, at earliest. Even then, seeing the brothel's inconvenient position far off Shimabara's main street (not to mention a sumo-sized hole for a front door), it came to no surprise that there were barely any customers around during rush hour.

He silently thanked the teahouse's poor business. He'd rather be bored than be…

Oh, and about that.

He sighed. Really, just how was he supposed to pull this off? Perhaps Hijikata thought that it wouldn't take him long at all to complete the mission, but then again, Hijikata had supplied him with enough money to stay at the inn for about two weeks.

…Wait. Why would Hijikata give him all that money if he was going to stay at the brothel in the first place? Souji scratched his nose absently. It never occurred to him that Hijikata could be so careless. Maybe Hijikata had thought that it would take him two weeks to find the brothel…? That was rather unlikely.

Souji smiled. At least now he had extra money to buy candy with.

Speaking of which… Why was it taking so long for Koko to cook dinner? It had been light outside when he first sat down with the rest of the girls at the dining hall. And now – Souji glanced out the window – it looked like the sun had set a while ago.

He sighed again. Was this a regular thing here? It was getting rather tiresome waiting for food with no entertainment whatsoever.

Souji blinked. Oh dear. Where were—

"Ladies and gentleman!" cried the Comedian Trio in unison, standing in the front of the dining table. Shinpachi threw a wink at Souji.

"We, the Comedian Three, will host your entertainment show tonight!" roared Sanosuke. "Behold, my beauties, Sano the Strong! Heisuke the Hilarious! And Shinpachi the Scrawny!"

Shinpachi the Scrawny promptly stomped on Sanosuke's foot.

A few of the girls giggled, whispering to each other.

"I apologize for Sano the Stupid," said Shinpachi. "I am Shinpachi the Savior!"

"No, no, my friends," Sanosuke exclaimed, shaking his head. "He is mistaken. I am Sano the Smart. Shinpachi is only a _shy_ little boy. Wouldn't you agree?"

The giggles grew louder.

"Now, now, Sano," Heisuke interrupted, stepping forward. "You may be 'Sano the Smart,' but I am Heisuke the Handsome. Ladies love me more for my dashing looks than your silliness."

"Nice try, Sano and Heisuke, but I'm afraid there will be no more ladies for you after they see me, for I am…" Shinpachi paused and shouted, "Shinpachi the Sexy!"

By now, everyone was openly laughing. Souji grinned. He had to admit, the Comedian Trio were truly… amazing, in a strange sort of way. Maybe, when they returned back to their headquarters, he would ask them to put on a show once in a while. Of course, Hijikata would blatantly reject such a thing, but it wouldn't be too hard to convince him otherwise.

Really, a chance at comedy would be nice.

A loud round of applause sounded after the play's finale two hours later. As it had turned out, the Comedian Trio had dragged Koko into play as well, and the four of them used up the hours rehearsing rather than preparing dinner.

In the end, though, with his warm dinner sitting comfortably in his stomach, Souji decided it was well worth the long wait and wondered briefly whether or not they were going to continue to put on more shows any time soon. For now, at least, he was as content as he could be, dressed in a pink kimono.

"Well, Souji," said Shinpachi, plopping down next to him, "what did you think of our debut?"

Souji smiled warmly. "To tell you the truth, Shinpachi, I am surprised that you guys haven't put on a show before. I rather liked it."

"Really?" Shinpachi asked, grinning.

Souji nodded.

"Heh, if Hijikata was here to see his three captains putting on a play—"

"Oh!" gasped Souji suddenly. "Does he know that you're all here?"

"…No."

* * *

_Meanwhile at the Shinsengumi Headquarters…_

"Where the hell are they?!"

_Crash!_

"I send Souji off to Shimabara and suddenly I find that I've been robbed of my money. I allowed Shinpachi to go to Shimabara even after he dumped salt in my tea and then _BANG!_ the three of them just go wandering off without even bothering to tell me where the hell they are. I am a complete and utter genius! In the span of forty-eight hours I've managed to loose four of my captains to those hellish jaws of Shimabara. I swear, once they come back I'll—"

"…Excuse me."

"—and now I have to wait for Susumu to come back just so I can send him out again to track those lazy—"

"Ahem. Excuse me."

"…Oh. Welcome back, Susumu. I didn't expect you to be back so quickly."

Susumu merely nodded.

Hijikata sighed. "I'm sure you know what to do now."

"Yes, sir."

"Go track down Shinpachi, Sanosuke, and Heisuke. They should be with Souji in the brothel that the sumo rolled into. You do know where it is, right?"

"…Yes, sir." _…A sumo?_

"Good. You are dismissed."

Settling back down into his chair, Hijikata took out his haiku book from beneath his desk (for there was no more need to hide it once Souji left) and dipped his brush into the ink bottle. For a minute, he didn't know what to write. He stared at the blank page and just sat there, twirling around the brush. With both Souji and the Comedian Trio gone, boredom settled into the headquarters like heavy dust.

Hijikata sighed and gently put down his brush. There would be no haiku today.

He had long learned that inspiration came from most everything except boredom.

* * *

"…Koko-san," started Souji, walking into the kitchen with an armload of dirty plates.

Koko paused from his dishwashing and greeted him with a smile. "Yes, my angel?"

"Where is your employer?" spluttered Souji suddenly. "I've been here all evening and I still haven't seen—"

"I am the employer!"

Souji paused. "…What?"

"Yup."

"I… I thought you were the cook—"

"Hm?" Koko gave him a questioning look. "You haven't heard?"

"…Heard what?"

"You know, the whole story of how the sumo wrestler rolled right through—"

"Wait," Souji interrupted. "So you mean it's true?"

"Why yes, of course!"

"You mean," said Souji, horrified, "that he's dead? Your manager is dead?"

"Well, he's not exactly alive."

"…Heck no."

"…What?" Koko turned around, confused. To his surprise, Souji was long gone from the kitchen. Koko simply shrugged and turned back to his dirty dishes, humming yet another unrecognizable tune.

* * *

Ho ho ho. And there we are, folks. Any comments, questions, and rotten tomatoes can be delivered through a click of the "REVIEW!" button. xD

Toodles.

~Kuroshiki

3/28/2009


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